What the "h" am I doing?

I don't know if it is possible to digress off topic in the topic sentence of the opening paragraph, but I am going to try.  I love Denis Leary.  You name it, Mr. Leary has done it.  Stand-up, big screen, emmy-nominated TV, and best-selling author.  Personally, Dennis Leary will always be the kick off voice for one of the greatest songs ever.  Sing along if you know the words (and if you don't know the words, leave this blog and don't come back): "Regulators.  We regulate any stealing of his property, and we're damn good too.  But you can't be any geek off the street.  Gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, to earn your keep."

What you may not remember about Denis Leary is that he has a pivotal role in one of the greatest movies ever made.  The year was 1993 and the character was Bill, stepdad to Scotty Smalls.  The movie, of course is The Sandlot and what stands out in my mind about his character is how disengaged he was as a father figure.  Every time I see the movie, I find myself judging the guy and thinking "JUST PLAY WITH THE KID."  The kid does not need much and is not asking for much.  He just wants to play catch.  Who wouldn't take the time to teach the boy to play baseball?

Fast forward to last Saturday morning and the scene is the nation's 3rd largest retail store.  This 36 year old proud father of two was out with the fam buying a birthday present for an upcoming birthday party that my boy was invited to later that afternoon.  After what seemed like a very long and frustrating search, we finally decided on something Pokemon and then went on to the sporting goods department.  My boy needed a new baseball glove because the boys were going to play baseball at the party and he had outgrown his old one. 

Then it happened.  I grabbed a mit and handed it to him.  I directed my attention back to the rack to pick out another option and when I looked back I could not believe what I saw.  My son, the only Freeman left to carry on the name (not a proud heritage, but that is another blog topic), had put the baseball glove on the wrong hand.

In that moment, it all hit me.  The late meetings, the time wasted, the "not right now", the "how about tomorrow", the yard work, the golf, the baseball/football/basketball/golf on tv...it all was represented there in the aisle where the 7 year old boy stood looking like Scotty Smalls and I was that Bill guy.

Me...that Bill guy?  Are you freaking kidding me?  What the "h" am I doing?  Now, someone could say that I am overreacting.  After all, the kid is only 7 years old.  I tried to tell myself that but it did not stick.  You see, that thinking cheapens the lesson and deflects the impact.  I needed that impact.  It was a moment that sent me reeling because it instantly put my efforts as a dad in perspective, and that perspective was in direct contrast to what I had previously considered.

I grew up without a dad around, period.  I thought I was doing a great job giving my kids what I never had and sometimes that is true.  But every once in a while the dad that I think that I am is not the dad that I am actually being.  Case in point, the other night I was cleaning out some drawers around the house and I came across a drawer full of cards that I had received over the years from my wife and kids.  It was great to read them over and hear the words of love, praise, encouragement, and appreciation from the people that I love more than anything in the world.  But one phrase occurred much more frequently than I am comfortable admitting.  The words "come home" or "glad you're home" kept hitting me right between the eyes.  Funny, I didn't remember them the first time around but as I revisited the memories they stung.  I needed the sting. 

What the h am I doing?  Of course I have to do what I have to do but do I really need to do what I am doing?  There is nothing else more important than these people and spending time with them but yet I am great at finding ways to do everything but that.  I am thinking of things that I have stumbled upon recently and it is making me think that I am in need of some course correction:

Elder Marlin K. Jensen said:

"There is no other organization that can so completely satisfy our need for belonging and happiness like the family. Why do we yearn for home and loved ones? I believe this yearning is a universal, God-given instinct that all people in all cultures are blessed with. I also believe that a loving Heavenly Father gives it to us because within the family we experience most of life’s greatest joys. The sights, sounds, and associations of family and home are among our most treasured memories and provide our fondest anticipations."

The First Presidency in February 1999 issued a call to parents “to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward this God-given responsibility.” 

Joseph F. Smith said: “There can be no genuine happiness separate and apart from the home, and every effort made to sanctify and preserve its influence is uplifting to those who toil and sacrifice for its establishment. Men and women often seek to substitute some other life for that of the home; they would make themselves believe that the home means restraint; that the highest liberty is the fullest opportunity to move about at will. There is no happiness without service, and there is no service greater than that which converts the home into a divine institution, and which promotes and preserves family life” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 382).

Then there's this one...

In June 1965, with the upstart building division of the Church, David O. McKay warned the new members of the committee that their new assignment would stretch them to the limits of time and effort. He then told them that the things of most importance must not be sacrificed for the things of least importance. He asked the new members if they would like to know what Christ would ask them at their judgment. The first two questions offered by President McKay were these:

1. Give an accounting for your relationship with your spouse.

2. Give an accounting for your relationship with each of your children.

The other questions were: 3. What have you personally done with the talents given you in the premortal existence? 4. How did you fulfill your stewardship in Church assignments? 5. Were you honest in all your dealings? 6. What have you done to make a better city, state, and community? [Fred Baker (who was present at this meeting), personal interview with author, 1995].

I am glad this happened to me because I can change.  I will change and I will do my best to recommit to putting first things first.  Time I have...excuses, I don't. 

P.S. Abram Freeman ended up hitting a home run to lead his team (the Cubs, bless his heart!) to victory at the birthday party baseball game.